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Testimony continued… or add on 04/26/2012

Posted by nicklee24 in Life.
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So lately everything has seemed to be so much clearer for me. I finally think I’ve realized what I’ve been born to do. I’ve been waiting so long to figure out what lies in store for me in the future. I followed what my parents wanted thinking that they new the absolute best for me, but in fact, they knew what was good for me at the time, but had no certainty of what I would do in the future. 

I’m just glad that now, being 22 years young, about to turn 23, I finally have realized what I am to do. And I am glad. Exuberantly glad. 

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I guess this is my testimony… 04/24/2012

Posted by nicklee24 in Life.
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As I have been sitting in during Tuesday night prayer meeting, I have realized a huge numerous amounts of things, and its just been itching me to write down everything that I have come to a realization of. So I guess this starts out the only truthful, full exposure of my testimony.

I was born into an amazing loving family on October 18th, 1989. From this day on until I was about 16, my parents always looked out for my best interests. Although sometimes I felt that some of their actions were unfair, such as keeping me busy during the weekdays that I couldn’t go out and play with friends, assigning me countless things to do such as the piano, violin, tae kwon do, etc., I have now realized, 6 years later that they have done all these things to make sure that I grow and become a better man that they could ever hope or wish for. Being an only child, I know that they invested everything they have in me, hoping that my future would have more opportunities that they were ever able to have themselves. My parents weren’t the only ones that were filled with abundant love. Even my extended family, my cousins, uncles, aunts, grandmothers, (both my grandfathers died before I was born, would love to meet them, and will soon!) all would look out for me, making sure that everything I was doing was something positive, never negative towards myself or people surrounding me.

Then 16 hit. All the peer pressure finally got to me. I think my parents had a feeling this would come, so from this day they started to be a little more lenient towards their restrictions. I could go out and play on weekdays, as long as I got my work done. I guess this is where they started teaching me responsibility, a skill that I will need to master for the future. But due to this whole new freedom, I took it for granted. This is the age where I was exposed to everything that I knew was bad, but due to temptation and peer pressure, I caved in. I had my first taste of alcohol, my first hit of marijuana, and to this day I regret having my hands on any of that stuff. I would occasionally smoke weed with my friends up until I graduated from high school. Before my freshman year of college, I decided to quit, and start up a new, drug-free life.

College was tough. Boy were there so many more temptations. I struggled, but I knew that my parents would be disappointed if I didn’t come out successful. Temptations were around every corner. I caved in once again. Parties in which alcohol and drugs were involved became my repertoire for every weekend. I would obviously stay away from the drugs, but it’s the alcohol that started to consume my life even further. Towards the end of my freshman year, I was involved with some really bad people that ended up to my dismissal from the school. I returned home, attended MC, and waited for the school to finally allow me back. It took a couple years, and during all these years, I was struggling like I never had before. It wasn’t struggling with school, it was the first time I ever doubted there was a God, that He even cared about me, that He even loved me at all. I hated Him for what He did to me, I wasn’t mature enough to put the blame on myself, so I put the blame all on Him. Oh do I regret that so much now. Many people ask my why I didn’t turn to my friends during this time, but truthfully, I never really had a close group of friends that I could trust with all my most personal information. I still went to church, but I was a loose cannon during service, always leaving because no matter how interesting the sermon would be, I didn’t want to hear it, because I knew nothing like that would ever, ever happen to me. There were glimpses when something radical would happen, but shortly after I would deny it, say that it was just out of luck. I kept this going on until very recently.

So I am now 22 years old. I’m young, healthy, and vibrant. (I hope so) But I still was in doubt. Still was disappointed with myself and with God. I got back into UMCP, but after a while, withdrew from school because I wasn’t just feeling that I ever wanted to take anymore classes again. I was ultimately deciding the downfall of my future, and I knew that my parents would be even more displeased with what I have been doing with my life. As if their lifelong investment was depreciating at an alarming rate. I would do anything to keep my mind off my struggles. I would occasionally drink with friends, would go out to DC at night and hit up some of the clubs in the area. I would do things which I knew would be bad, but I would do them anyways. During this time, although I didn’t really think that God was listening to me, or even caring about me, I would pray the same prayer. “If You are really real, that You really do even care about me slightly, to show me something. To show me a sign, anything, that would bring me back to You, because deep inside I know that I cannot do this alone, although I am trying to. If you really love me, show me something please, cause I don’t know how long I can keep this up. Amen.” A terrible prayer, literally threatening God to show me that He loves me, or I would do something drastic on my own.

On April 8th, the early morning of Easter, at around 2am, He did show me something. I was on my way home from a night out in DC. I had a few drinks with friends, and worst of all, I had a few of my friends in the car that I was going to take back home. While driving, I was pulled over by the police. I was driving 20mph over the speed limit, so he stopped me for speeding at first. When he came up to the car, he asked me if I had been drinking, and I automatically lied to him. I’m guessing he knew this, because he again even more sternly. I responded that I had a drink or two a couple hours ago. He then made me follow a light with my eyes, and apparently I failed it the first time, because he made me get out of the car. This is when the thoughts filled my head. Thoughts of that this is where my life ends, this is where my future goes to nothing. I was terrified. Outside the car, he made me do even more sobriety tests. But for some reason at the end, he gave me back my license, told me to slow down, and simply let me go. Of all days for God to show me that He loves me, on Easter.

Now today, every time I pray, every time people pray for me, my insides feel like they are getting twisted, and there’s pain. But it’s not painful. I smile most of the time, and I wake up everyday smiling. I guess it has to do with the fact that I know that He really does truly love and care about me, and also that I finally took the next step in a relationship with someone who has been my best friend since high school. Both of these things keep me going throughout the day, and everyday since Easter has been enjoyable. So I guess that this is where I’ll end my ‘testimony’ for now.

Although this is pretty long, there are a bunch of details that I have left out, and I wish to fully write and share my entire extended testimony with everyone that would like to hear it.

If you read this throughout, I hope you didn’t get sleepy through it, and I hope it won’t change your opinions on me. Thank you.

I know I’m forgetting something…..

Been a while 03/27/2012

Posted by nicklee24 in Life.
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It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on this blog. The link is on a shortcut on the top of my browser, but I’ve always been hesitant on posting anything up. But today, it feels like I should start writing again.

Although I never enjoyed writing in school, it’s always been a hobby of mine. I enjoy writing, especially about certain events throughout my day that seemed special to me. My cousin has always told me about keeping a blessing journal, writing down ‘blessings’ that I have encountered throughout the day. 

I know I’m always blessed everyday. Whether it be a red light that slows me down and fortunate enough there’s a cop ahead waiting for speeders, green lights when I’m in a slight rush to get somewhere, and the multiple people in my life that I encounter everyday that help me get through the struggles of my daily life. 

I think I’m going to try to continue this blog. It feels great writing down things that I cannot really say to others.

life / friends 02/08/2011

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Life is so unexpected in many ways. it can be cut short at anytime, or can last for years and years. i’ve got to say, life is the most spontaneous thing in the world. you never know what will happen, any given time or day. i’ve always dreamt that i would live until my late 90’s, have kids, grandkids, and even possibly great grandkids, but now, its not a definite life. it would be a great thing to happen, but as many say, your life can change anytime.

 

i’ve been so buried deep into this notion that i’m invincible, that no matter what, i’m going to live, but sadly, i’m living a fool’s life. instead of waking up in the morning celebrating and thanking God that i am able to live another day, i’ve been dreading the mornings, mainly because of classes and/or work. i had a tendency to go through an entire day in a bitter, depressing mood, wishing that my life was different, or i was living the life of someone else. Sad, isn’t it? but it’s true. HOWEVER, i’m pledging to change. better yet, i’m promising myself to change. i’m planning to live everyday as if it were a gift. as if everyday was my birthday, and thank Godthat i am able to live each and every day until the day i pass with exuberant joy.

 

many of you are probably wondering, what took him so long to figure this out? i’m not going to lie to you, i’ve been pretty ignorant to these facts for 21 years. its just recently i’ve looked upon what i’ve accomplished, and what i was happy about in the last 21 years, and there isnt much that i’m pleased with. it feels like i’ve gone through life as a zombie, not being able to control many outcomes of certain events. so i’m going to end with this. love your life, love the fact that you’re able to wake up every morning. love who you are, and the potential that you have in the future.

 

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Friends. you love them, or you despise them. whichever of the two you prefer, remember to let them know how much you love them. friends are there when you’re down, friends are there when you’re up. they always seem to know the exact words to say to you whether you’re in a good mood, or a bad mood.

 

i feel that i have many friends. friends that i can count on, friends that i can talk to about anything. but one thing i havent done is to let those friends who are dearly close to me know that i truly appreciate them, that i love them, and that i’d do anything for them. i love you, i love you, i love you all very much.

 

remember your friends, they’re your security blanket.

 

Quod me nutrit me destruit 10/06/2010

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The new semester has started, and it is almost come to midterms. How am I doing? Hopefully I’m A ok. As in, I hope I’m getting A’s in all my classes. This is the first semester I am truly attempting to get my first 4.0…. ever.

Unfortunately, attempting to get this 4.0 has been quite difficult. Faced with decisions to make, such as hanging out with friends during the week or weekends, it always seems to distract me from doing my schoolwork. However, on a positive note, I have realized that studying with classical music calms and soothes me, compared to the other music I listen to, which provide confusion and lots of distortion. Song to study with : Nocturne in E flat major Opus 9 No. 2 by Frederic Chopin.

Quod me nutrit me destruit means “What nourishes me, also destroys me.”

This can be interpreted in many ways, but I have my own interpretation. Interpret it however you want, negatively or positively, but it keeps me occupied.

 

Well, I have to study now. So I promise I’ll update this more frequently now…

 

been a long time 07/16/2010

Posted by nicklee24 in Life.
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wow so it’s been a really long time since i’ve last updated my blog…

so it’s been summer for a while, and i’ve been doing a lot of new things. mainly, i guess the highlight of the summer so far is grace retreat 2010. amazing time 🙂

but other than that, nothing much has happened, but i feel that i should continuously update my blog… defeats the purpose of having one if i dont… so i’ll start once again i have a great story to tell, or if anything happens.

till then,

-Nick

uncertainty 04/09/2010

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So last night I had a dream…

In this dream, it was based in the future (I think) cause I looked a lot older… Overall it was an alright dream, except for the fact I couldn’t tell what I was doing. It felt like my brain was telling me that it’s crunch time, for me to decide very soon what I’ll be when I get older, or my future is uncertain.

Until school ends, my primary focus will be discovering the hidden attributes in my life that I have yet to uncover. I need to figure out what my life has in store for me, rather than patiently waiting for them to uncover themselves. It’s crunch time. No more excuses.

I need to rekindle relationships. For a while now, I’ve isolated myself from a lot of people that I feel are close to me. Friends that I grew up with, friends that I haven’t seen in ages. Time to spark that fire once again.

I’ll end with this… I found this quote online and it made me smile. Bwahaha

“When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

annoyed 03/23/2010

Posted by nicklee24 in Life.
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I said I would update later, but while writing this paper I just got really annoyed.

Recently, I have lost the ability to talk to one of my best friends. One of my best friends since high school. A friend in which I confided in, a friend of the opposite sex that I was so comfortably able to express all my feelings to. No, she hasn’t passed away, apparently she’s not allowed to talk with me anymore. It still feels like she has died. I still feel like crap.

How is it possible that I cannot talk to my friend, who I regard to be one of my closest, best friend? It’s annoying me so much, I can’t even focus on things that should be more highly important, such as my homework I have due tomorrow. You know what? This is ridiculous. I still don’t understand why, and no matter how much I try to discover the reasons for it, they just don’t add up. Like I said previously, all I’m hearing is blah blah blah.

Anyways, in other thoughts…

A friend of mine told me that my tone on my blog is just… sad. How can I make this more un-sad? Should I add more exclamation marks and smiley faces?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂 :):) 🙂

I hope those make up for the posts I have that made me sound… depressing.

Well seriously, I have to get back to this paper.

So until next time I’ll end with this twitter update I found to be funny.

“You know the 5 second rule when you drop food? Well it doesn’t apply to ice cream, yogurt or apple sauce.”

Blah blah blah 03/23/2010

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lately that’s all I’ve been hearing… blah blah blah.

think it’s about time I started listening… more enthusiastically. I know many people are trying to help me, but sometimes I just feel like they have absolutely no idea what struggles I am going through…

surprisingly I actually have been keeping up with my studies. this is historical… I finally got an A on one of my papers. 15 years of school, and I have never received an A grade. Wow.

oh yeah. thanks to oprah, I’ve realized I’m an incubator, not a procrastinator. so HA.

speaking of which, I have a paper to write. due tomorrow. Wish me luck!

yeah… this was quite the lazy post. My next one will be mind blowing. just wait and see. (sorry hubert)

till then,

toodles

Stupid… 03/02/2010

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Well it’s officially March now, and who would have guessed, I start out the new month in total anguish, regret, guilt, and a feeling of such stupidity. Now has it not affected myself, but others around me. Why why why??

Well, turns out its my own desires to do what I want, and not what God wants. Why does life have to be so difficult sometimes? Only if there was a simple way of understanding life, but knowing myself, it’ll be a while until I can finally comprehend the truth in how I’m supposed to live. But until then, I’m really stupid.

I’ve made decisions that could result in harsh consequences, and now I’ve come to the fact that the only way I can get past these memories is to give them all up to Jesus. It might seem easy, but it’s not an easy task. I still feel ashamed whenever I bring these moments up, with God, or even with my peers. It’s burdening inside my soul. Don’t get me wrong though, it won’t pull me into a period of depression, anxiety, or anything like that. I’ll be the same person, I’ll just be haunted with these memories for a time period.

I’d like to end with just a song. It’s a song that I listen to when I’m down, and it makes me feel better.

-Nick