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Testimony continued… or add on 04/26/2012

Posted by nicklee24 in Life.
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So lately everything has seemed to be so much clearer for me. I finally think I’ve realized what I’ve been born to do. I’ve been waiting so long to figure out what lies in store for me in the future. I followed what my parents wanted thinking that they new the absolute best for me, but in fact, they knew what was good for me at the time, but had no certainty of what I would do in the future. 

I’m just glad that now, being 22 years young, about to turn 23, I finally have realized what I am to do. And I am glad. Exuberantly glad. 

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I guess this is my testimony… 04/24/2012

Posted by nicklee24 in Life.
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As I have been sitting in during Tuesday night prayer meeting, I have realized a huge numerous amounts of things, and its just been itching me to write down everything that I have come to a realization of. So I guess this starts out the only truthful, full exposure of my testimony.

I was born into an amazing loving family on October 18th, 1989. From this day on until I was about 16, my parents always looked out for my best interests. Although sometimes I felt that some of their actions were unfair, such as keeping me busy during the weekdays that I couldn’t go out and play with friends, assigning me countless things to do such as the piano, violin, tae kwon do, etc., I have now realized, 6 years later that they have done all these things to make sure that I grow and become a better man that they could ever hope or wish for. Being an only child, I know that they invested everything they have in me, hoping that my future would have more opportunities that they were ever able to have themselves. My parents weren’t the only ones that were filled with abundant love. Even my extended family, my cousins, uncles, aunts, grandmothers, (both my grandfathers died before I was born, would love to meet them, and will soon!) all would look out for me, making sure that everything I was doing was something positive, never negative towards myself or people surrounding me.

Then 16 hit. All the peer pressure finally got to me. I think my parents had a feeling this would come, so from this day they started to be a little more lenient towards their restrictions. I could go out and play on weekdays, as long as I got my work done. I guess this is where they started teaching me responsibility, a skill that I will need to master for the future. But due to this whole new freedom, I took it for granted. This is the age where I was exposed to everything that I knew was bad, but due to temptation and peer pressure, I caved in. I had my first taste of alcohol, my first hit of marijuana, and to this day I regret having my hands on any of that stuff. I would occasionally smoke weed with my friends up until I graduated from high school. Before my freshman year of college, I decided to quit, and start up a new, drug-free life.

College was tough. Boy were there so many more temptations. I struggled, but I knew that my parents would be disappointed if I didn’t come out successful. Temptations were around every corner. I caved in once again. Parties in which alcohol and drugs were involved became my repertoire for every weekend. I would obviously stay away from the drugs, but it’s the alcohol that started to consume my life even further. Towards the end of my freshman year, I was involved with some really bad people that ended up to my dismissal from the school. I returned home, attended MC, and waited for the school to finally allow me back. It took a couple years, and during all these years, I was struggling like I never had before. It wasn’t struggling with school, it was the first time I ever doubted there was a God, that He even cared about me, that He even loved me at all. I hated Him for what He did to me, I wasn’t mature enough to put the blame on myself, so I put the blame all on Him. Oh do I regret that so much now. Many people ask my why I didn’t turn to my friends during this time, but truthfully, I never really had a close group of friends that I could trust with all my most personal information. I still went to church, but I was a loose cannon during service, always leaving because no matter how interesting the sermon would be, I didn’t want to hear it, because I knew nothing like that would ever, ever happen to me. There were glimpses when something radical would happen, but shortly after I would deny it, say that it was just out of luck. I kept this going on until very recently.

So I am now 22 years old. I’m young, healthy, and vibrant. (I hope so) But I still was in doubt. Still was disappointed with myself and with God. I got back into UMCP, but after a while, withdrew from school because I wasn’t just feeling that I ever wanted to take anymore classes again. I was ultimately deciding the downfall of my future, and I knew that my parents would be even more displeased with what I have been doing with my life. As if their lifelong investment was depreciating at an alarming rate. I would do anything to keep my mind off my struggles. I would occasionally drink with friends, would go out to DC at night and hit up some of the clubs in the area. I would do things which I knew would be bad, but I would do them anyways. During this time, although I didn’t really think that God was listening to me, or even caring about me, I would pray the same prayer. “If You are really real, that You really do even care about me slightly, to show me something. To show me a sign, anything, that would bring me back to You, because deep inside I know that I cannot do this alone, although I am trying to. If you really love me, show me something please, cause I don’t know how long I can keep this up. Amen.” A terrible prayer, literally threatening God to show me that He loves me, or I would do something drastic on my own.

On April 8th, the early morning of Easter, at around 2am, He did show me something. I was on my way home from a night out in DC. I had a few drinks with friends, and worst of all, I had a few of my friends in the car that I was going to take back home. While driving, I was pulled over by the police. I was driving 20mph over the speed limit, so he stopped me for speeding at first. When he came up to the car, he asked me if I had been drinking, and I automatically lied to him. I’m guessing he knew this, because he again even more sternly. I responded that I had a drink or two a couple hours ago. He then made me follow a light with my eyes, and apparently I failed it the first time, because he made me get out of the car. This is when the thoughts filled my head. Thoughts of that this is where my life ends, this is where my future goes to nothing. I was terrified. Outside the car, he made me do even more sobriety tests. But for some reason at the end, he gave me back my license, told me to slow down, and simply let me go. Of all days for God to show me that He loves me, on Easter.

Now today, every time I pray, every time people pray for me, my insides feel like they are getting twisted, and there’s pain. But it’s not painful. I smile most of the time, and I wake up everyday smiling. I guess it has to do with the fact that I know that He really does truly love and care about me, and also that I finally took the next step in a relationship with someone who has been my best friend since high school. Both of these things keep me going throughout the day, and everyday since Easter has been enjoyable. So I guess that this is where I’ll end my ‘testimony’ for now.

Although this is pretty long, there are a bunch of details that I have left out, and I wish to fully write and share my entire extended testimony with everyone that would like to hear it.

If you read this throughout, I hope you didn’t get sleepy through it, and I hope it won’t change your opinions on me. Thank you.

I know I’m forgetting something…..